The Cauldron
by xxWalkingDisasterxx
Summary: A Remix of Episode 12 The Cauldron. Mostly craziness and talking back to the author...and Jean bashing. BOO JEAN! Jean has been stupidified for this story... well, basically EVERYONE has been... Enjoy and embrace the insanity.
1. The Absurd Opening Chapter

The Cauldron

Chapter One-The Absurd Opening Chapter

Disclaimer:I DONT OWN ANYTHING X-Men Evolution except my obsession for it! Please, don't think silly thoughts like that...Now on with the craziness!

It all started as an average day at the institute…wait, who am I kidding? Theres never a normal day THERE.  
Where was I? -reads sentence above this one- Oh, right.  
Anyway, it's a bright sunny day at the Xavier Institute. Suddenly, Scott's convertible roared onto the estate.  
"HEY JEAN!" Scott shouted to Jean even though she was right beside him. "MAKE THIS POP A DOUBLE WHEELIE!"  
Jean laughed, and used her telekinesis to make the car's front end to go up a bit. They cheered wildly.  
They're easily entertained, aren't they?  
"Hey, I'm actually the smart one!" Jean yelled at MystiqueFan0126.  
Hey, whatever. I'm writing this fiction, and I can make you do whatever I WANT! MUA HAHAHAHAHA!  
" Dumb fanfiction writers…" Jean cursed under her breath. Of course, Scott being the dumb driver that he is, he rolls over a rock and the entire convertible flips backwards and proceeds to crush their heads.  
"Hey! That's not very nice!" Scott whined.  
God. Fine. Jean, who is of course the smarter of the two, had used her telekinesis to protect their heads just in time. She carefully put the car back onto the road with all four wheels on the ground. Scott moved forward until he reached a place where he could park. He immediately jumped out of the car.  
"WHOOOOOOOO WEEKEND!" He cheered. "I LOVE PARTIES THAT NEVER END AND……uh…..TWINS!" Scott cheered again.

Pietro and Wanda subsequently moved out of the country.

Scott began to casually walk towards the Mansion's front entrance, leaving Jean rudely behind in his car.  
"Idiot…" Jean mumbled to herself. She picked up Scott's backpack and yelled to him. "Scott! You forgot your homework!"  
Sorry jean, but that isn't going to work.  
Scott kept walking towards the mansion, either not hearing Jean or simply ignoring her.  
Jean groaned in a frustrated way and used her telekinesis to drag Scott back to her.  
"What?" Scott asked like an idiot.  
"If I'm stuck doing homework, then you are too!" She said before throwing into his face and walking away, smiling to herself.  
Good job, Jean.  
"Thank you." Jean looked even happier.  
Scott decided to walk into the house anyways.

Jean took to staring at the green trees on the lot. She saw a shadow jump.  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" She screamed.  
-slaps forehead- Jean, you don't scream yet.  
"Oh." Jean said blankly. She looked back into the bushes.  
"Kitty, if you're scaring the dogs again then I'll shove Frosted Flakes up your nose…again!" Jean threatened. Wait…what was that supposed to mean? I don't want to know…  
Jean stuck her head in through the bushes, looking for whatever had jumped.  
God, has jean EVER seen a horror moving before?  
Another jumping shadow.  
"Evan? Since when have you gotten powers to jump?" Jean called out stupidly. She looked at a bush that was rustling. She ripped it out with her telekinesis.  
Jean, you're paying for that. Xavier told her telepathically.  
Toad was revealed behind the bush.  
"Aw, hey, that wasn't nice! Now I'm going to beat you with my Kung-Fu Toadness!" Toad told her before leaping into action…straight into a tree.  
And I thought Jean wasn't bright…  
A branch fell down and conked him on the head.  
"And yes, I'll have fries with that….." Toad mumbled for a minute as his head swayed. He shook his head quickly and regained his bearings. He looked back from jean, to the branch, back to Jean, then back to the branch.  
"OH!" he exclaimed.  
And THIS is why I have only written Mystique fanfictions.  
"Hehe, 'cause I'm smart." Mystique sniggered from somewhere not in the scene.  
Where was I? Oh yeah.  
Toad picked up the branch and tried to look menacingly at Jean.  
"Toad, what're you doing?" Jean sighed. Toad tripped her with the tree branch. She landed hard and whined.  
"You never said I was going to do my own stunts!" Jean whined.  
I never said a lot of things…now NO talking to the author.  
"Toad, what is your PROBLEM!" jean asked angrily.  
"I'm gonna like, not be a worm any more to Magneto, yo!" He explained, trying to spin the stick in his hands, but only succeeding in smacking himself in the face.  
"Uh…you were never a worm to him…just an ugly toad." Jean pointed out.  
"WHATEVER!" Toad said. He jumped into the air and tried to smack Jean with the branch, which was pretty pointless because Jean merely stopped him with telekinesis.  
"WE ALL HAVE TO PROVE OURSELVES, YOOOOOO!" Toad screamed.  
"WHAT DRUGS ARE YOU ON!" Jean screamed equally as loud. Toad was about to swing the branch like a baseball bat when jean took it with telekinesis and snapped it in half.  
"Muahahahahaha. Evilness." Jean laughed cruelly as Toad looked sadly over his broken stick.  
"Can't beat me THAT easy, yo!" He jumped off a tree, only losing one shoe, and tried to attack Jean again, his theme music blaring in the background. Jean used her telekinesis one last time to throw Toad down a well.  
"YOU ONLY HATE ME 'CUZ OF MY THEME MUSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIC!" Toad screamed as he fell down the well. There was a loud splash. "Hmm….it's not that bad down here, actually…" He said to himself.  
"Toad?" Jean called down the well. She heard a whirring behind her as Toad's theme music died away. She saw a huge shiny something behind a big bush. As she walked over to investigate, she muttered to herself, "I don't see why _I_ don't get any theme music, me being Jean and all…" She went around the bush to find a huge, shiny metal ball.  
"OOOOH SHINY!" Jean cooed, taking a closer look. It opened up, fresh steam pouring out. She stepped ever closer, until large tentacles slithered out and pulled her in.  
"AVENGE MEEEEEEEEE!" She screamed as it flew away with her in it. Toad finally pulled himself out of the well, being afraid of the dark without his Elmo nightlight. He saw Jean's pod fly away.  
"Wait! No! Don't take Jean! She's too beautiful! Why couldn't it of been me instead! MEEEEEEEEEEEE!" He screamed out into the silence, his voice echoing. Apparently, no one heard him…what ARE those X-Men, deaf?

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In sunny Hawaii…or wherever the heck Alex is in this episode….

Alex Masters was laying on his belly on his surfboard, slowly crawling along the water. Waves rolled and one hit him in the face, giving him a nice taste of salt and….was that…? Alex didn't want to know.  
"Eww…what'd you just make me taste?" Alex spat into the water at hearing MystiqueFan0126 had made him taste something gross.  
OK, None of you characters can talk back anymore, ok? If I can tell that to Jean, I can say it to you!  
Two boys stood on the banks of the shore, searching the water in front of them for their friend Alex.  
"Dude, where's Alex?" The first said.  
"Dude, where's Alex's surfboard?" The other said.  
"Dude, where's my car?" Ashton Kutcher said for no apparent reason and will never ever ever appear in a fanfiction of mine for as long as I live.  
"Do you see Alex?" The second asked the first boy.  
"Nah. Oh, well. We tried." The first said, even though Alex was practically right in front of them.  
"Wanna go play foosball?" The second asked the first boy.  
"Sure!" The two boys ran off without even giving a second thought about Alex.  
Alex rolled along a little further and turned over so he was laying on his back.  
"God, I can't stop thinking about how good I look!" He said to himself. He looked into the water and stared at his reflection momentarily, then rolled over again to stare at the sun, although that's a very stupid thing to do.  
"Oh yeah, there's also that thing about how my brother died….but still…I look sooooooo great!" He told himself. He rubbed his face with his golden hands.

Suddenly, he heard faint music. No…it couldn't be!

Duh, nuh, nuh, nuh nuh, nuh nuh nuh…  
The Jaws music.  
"Oh God no! I'm too young to die!" He yelped. His surfboard was nudged a bit. His breathing increased. "IT'S THE BEGINNING OF THE END!" He screamed. Suddenly his whole board was knocked over, and he was thrown into the salty sea. He pulled himself up and clamped himself onto his surfboard, wiggling his feet a whole lot with his increasing panic.  
Yeah, wiggling your legs like a fish is gonna make the shark go away…

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Alex screamed like a girl as he wildly looked around for the shark. It was swimming like a bullet right at him. Suddenly he was pulled under water, amazingly without any injury from the shark's teeth. He turned to face the shark that was coming fast.  
He stuck his hands out in front of him, as if saying, "Here, my hands are the tastiest." The shark was about to bite off his hands when they glowed red and pushed the shark away.  
"Huh…" Alex gurgled. The shark turned around and charged back at him.  
"I wonder…" Alex thought. He concentrated hard, and sure enough, a huge beam of red plasma shot out of palms and blasted the shark. It quickly swam away in the other direction, smoking like a cooked salmon.  
Alex swam up quickly to the surface and floated for a moment, this red glow on his hands. He gasped for air then stared at his hands, glowing with red plasma.  
"Ewww…I've got like, red snot on my hands." He giggled to himself, and swam to shore.

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Logan walked into Cerebro to find Xavier sitting there.  
"What do you want, Baldy?" Logan growled. Xavier glared at Logan.  
"How many times have I told you NOT to call me that?" Xavier asked Logan. He turned back to his computer. "Dumb cat…" he mumbled to himself.  
"Hey, I heard that!" Logan said.  
"Whatever. Just listen. Cerebro has found a new mutant whose amazingness powers have only just started." Xavier explained, smiling happily.  
Logan looked confused.  
"Er…so?" He asked.  
Xavier sighed. "His name is Alex Masters, used to be known as Alex Summers." Xavier explained.  
"So?" Logan asked again.  
"So he's Scott's brother." Xavier said.  
"So?" Logan asked yet again.  
"So his brother survived the plane crash." Xavier groaned.  
"So?" Logan annoyingly asked again.  
"So…well, Logan, I don't really know how to make it any clearer (1)…whatever. We're going to Hawaii, ok? Pack your bags, 'cause I think that jerk Magnus will be trying to get him…curse that man who can't lose a game of Scrabble…(2)" Xavier wheeled off –past Logan. Logan starred at the huge computer screen that held a picture of Alex.  
"Ooh, he's a lot cuter than Scott. Scott's like a butt but uglier." Logan shuddered and walked out of the room.

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Meanwhile, back in Hawaii…

Alex sat on the beach, his wet suit covered in sand that he knew he would never get off. He lay on his back and stared at his hands; the glow was gone now.  
"Aww, the red snot left and now all I got was this stupid burning. Curse you, fate!" Alex cried into the silence. He laid don and closed his eyes until he felt a shadow fall on him.  
"Okay, pause, but how do you FEEL a shadow fall on you? It's a shadow!" Alex asked.  
You can because I said so, now NO TALKING BACK!  
"I know how you're feeling Alex…I felt it myself when I went through it." The shadow said.  
"AHHHH STALKER!" Alex screamed once again like a girl.  
"Why am I recruiting him again? He screams like a girl." Magneto considered this for a moment, and then realized that Sabertooth screams like a girl too. "Oh, right, ultra powerness, ah yes." He looks back at Alex. "No, I am not stalking you., I simply know." He told him.  
"Whoa, where'd you come from!" Alex asked. He noticed how much clothes Magneto is wearing. "Uh, dude, this IS Hawaii, why're you wearing gloves and everything?" Alex asked. Magneto ignored him.  
"I have just arrived…to see you, you cute boy you!" Magneto cooed, then recovered himself. "Because you see, I know…" He began, but Alex stood up and interrupted him.  
"No, you DON'T know, so THERE!" Alex yelled as he turned around. "God, creepiness."  
"Your bones are burning, and your hands have a toothache…or something along those lines, and your head has a HEADACHE!" Magneto said with amazing accuracy. Alex stopped to listen.  
"I can give you relief…" Magneto said.  
"Uh, sorry, but I don't need more Tylenol, thanks." Alex said.  
"No, you blonde moron!" Magneto mumbled. "I mean, no, I can give you permanent relief and answers…you'll never have to feel pain ever again!" Magneto said.  
"Wait…are you some kind of doctor or something to give me that much of an offer?" Alex asked.  
"No, but I DID sleep at a Holiday Inn Express last night JUST to see you. I AM MAGNETO, and I have come to offer you…Sanctuary…" Magneto answered.  
Alex thought for a moment. Magneto outstretched his hand.  
"Wait, why should I trust you?" Alex asked.  
"Because of three reasons:" Magneto lifted up one finger. "I have a cape, which means I CAN"T be evil." He lifted up a second. "I can fly, which ALSO makes me not evil, and" he lifted up a third finger. "My voice echoes like this craziness. You hear that? That's pure Magneto-ness." Magneto explained.  
"Okay!" Alex agreed, taking Magneto's hand.

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(1)- This was in Family Guy...funny stuff.  
(2)-Read Duki's Insane and Politcally Incorrect X-Men Evo show to find the answer to this...

Sorry…I just don't like Jean. Read and Review!


	2. Roadtrip and Reunion

Chapter 2  
Road Trip and Reunion

Logan was giddy as he started up the X-Jet. He was going to get to meet Scott's cute, blond little brother. And dude, he was a SURFER too! Surfers rock. Logan's super-de-duper ears caught a sound from outside the jet, from in the hanger. He turned to look outside the window.  
"Crap! Scott's coming too." He moaned.  
Scott ran up the Professor, holding a duffel bag.  
"Professor! What'd you call me for?" He asked.  
"Er, if you didn't know that we're going on a trip, why'd you bring a bag? What's inside?" Xavier asked.  
"Why'd you call me?" Scott asked again.  
"Never mind that. What's in the bag?" Xavier asked again.  
"I'll tell what's in the bag when you tell me why you called me!" Scott said.  
"Screw that! Tell me what's in the bag and I'll tell you why I called you!" Xavier yelled.  
"No! You're stupid!" Scott pouted and turned away.  
-Damn teenagers- Xavier thought.  
"You're brother Alex is alive now tell me what's in the bag!" Xavier said.  
"Well, let's just say there's no body parts in I- WHAT!" Scott shouted. "Alex is ALIVE!"  
"Yes, you dimbo. I said he's alive. Now whose body parts are in the bag?" Xavier asked impatiently.  
"Oh my God…I'm a horrible brother. I never looked for my brother! I FEEL TERRIBLE!" Scott cried, burying his face into his hands.  
Xavier sighed. "Scott, I saw this coming, so I brought someone very special in." Suddenly, Doctor Phil walked into the hanger, and put his arms around Scott.  
"Scott, I know you feel terrible about your brother, but what is this _really_ about?" The Dr. asked.  
"It's about how I forgot my brother!" Scott whined.  
"Well, he's alive, son, so don't you worry 'bout it. I think we're making some progress." Dr. Phil patted his back, and Scott sniffed, cheering up. Dr. Phil checked his watch.  
"Holy Crap! I'm late. Good luck, Scott." Dr. Phil waved good-bye and rushed off.  
"Wow…that was weird." Logan said to himself.  
Of course it's weird, 'cause weird gets reviews -HINT HINT- .  
"Yeah, whatever you say, MystiqueFan, but this has only got 3 reviews so far. What makes you think more will come?" Logan asked.  
Stop being such a pessimist, Logan, or I shall smite you with my mighty wrath of X-Men Obsession-anity.  
"Whatever." Logan said, finishing off his coffee.  
Scott hurried into the jet without another word, leaving his fallen bag behind with the Professor.  
"Stupid teenager… expecting me to pick up after him…" Xavier muttered to himself. He wheeled into the X-Jet with Scott's bag, and just as it was rolling out of the hanger, Kitty, Evan, and Rogue ran into the hanger.  
"Like, don't leave like, without, like, USSSSSSSSSS!" She screamed at the departing jet.  
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Evan cried, falling to his knees.  
"Oh. Darn." Rogue said calmly. "We got left behind. See Kitty? I told you they wouldn't wait for us."  
Are they on drugs or something Rogue?  
"Naw, they've just been acting funny since they watching some tragic drama movies." Rogue explained.  
Ah. That explains it. Carry on.  
You see, loyal fans, I don't feel like yelling at the characters today because…I just don't. Expect me to go harder in the next chapter or so.  
Kurt, clad in blue shorts that blended in with his fur and a shirt hanging on him, teleported in. Rogue, however, did not see that he was wearing shorts, just camouflage-able ones, and ran the other way screaming.  
"AH JUST SAW MAH BROTHAH NAKED!" She screamed while running in circles. Evan eventually spiked her to a wall until she calmed down.  
"Ok…" Kurt said. "Let's go to Hawaii!" He cried, somehow not noticing the huge jet that was missing from the hanger. "Oh…darn."  
"Oh, well…" Kitty regained herself. "I guess we can't really blame Scott for wanting to see his long-lost brother…"  
"What! Screw that! We almost made it to HAWAII. HAWAII, SISTAH!" Rogue yelled in her face.  
"Wait! We don't have to go to Hawaii…there's some beaches not too far." Kurt said, snapping his fingers.  
Yes…he has bad grammar.  
"Oh, you're one to talk! I saw your grades in grammar this term!" Kurt yelled back.  
Oooh, I'm going to love smiting you and Logan later.  
"Eep!" Kurt squealed.  
"So, Kurt, I don't get what you're saying…"Evan said.  
"ROADTRIP!" Kurt yelled, smacking his forehead.  
"Uh, yeah right, like we're letting YOU drive. You have two fingers, for Gambit's sake!" Rogue cried.  
-Gambit's sake?- Evan mouthed. Rogue shook her head, blushing.  
"I can drive…" Kitty began.  
"NO!" Everyone yelled at once.  
"Fine!" Kitty shouted angrily.  
"Come on, lemme driiiiiiiiiiiive." Kurt whined.  
"FINE!" Rogue yelled.  
------------------------------------------------------  
Outside the garage, a furry, blue cat ran by.  
"Hehehe…" Said the cat.

Suddenly the garage door opened and a large army tank rolled out.  
"KURT! WRONG CAR!" Evan yelled.  
"What's Professor Xavier planning on doing with that tank?" Kitty wondered. Kurt backed the tank back in and pulled out in the X-Van. Evan and Kitty got in, and waited for Rogue. Kurt took the roof of the X-Van, efficiently turning it into a convertible.  
"ROGUE! HURRY UP BEFORE AUNTIE O NOTICES WE'RE GONE!" Evan yelled. Rogue ran out of the house, only to stumble on the blue cat.  
"STUPID CAT!" Rogue yelled as she jumped into the X-Van.  
"Hey, that hurts!" The cat said.  
"WHOA, that cat's blue and it TALKS. Maybe it's magical." Evan said as they roared off. "No, wait…it's Mystique!"  
" Evan, we talked about this. Just because something's blue does NOT make it Mystique." Kitty sighed. Evan looked at Kurt.  
"OMG IT'S MYSTIQUE!" He yelled, horrified, pointing at Kurt, only proving his insanity to the others. They decided to continue driving on.  
The cat ran out of the bushes and watched the teenagers drive off.  
It suddenly turned into Mystique -gasp!-, which, by the way, for some reason disturbed me greatly…  
She pulled out a walkie-talkie the size of one of those small cell phones.  
"Change of plans, they're like, on the move." Mystique said, then blinked. "Dang, last time I observe Kitty."  
Lance said something that was too quiet for Mystique to hear.  
"What?" Mystique yelled into the tiny phone. More tiny talking. "WHAT?" She yelled even louder. She practically stuck it in her ear and finally heard him reply, "Not for long." Mystique laughed into the silence.

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In Hawaii…

The X-Jet landed abruptly on the golden sands. Scott ran up to the front while Logan laid his head on the steering wheel, causing it to jerk dangerously.  
"Logan, watch it!" Xavier yelled.  
"Do you see anything!" Scott asked frantically. Logan turned to face him.  
"Kid, if YOU don't see anything out this front window, then I can't see anything out this front window." He growled.  
They got of the Jet, and searched for any signs of Alex. Scott found a surfboard floating on the water.  
"Think it's his?" Scott asked anxiously.  
"Well, it smells the exact opposite of you, so I'm going to guess it is." Logan said.  
Scott looked down. "That was mean…"  
Oh well. I'm too tired to do anything right now, so you're on your own.  
"Dumb fanfiction writers…" Scott said, mimicking Jean whose whereabouts are still unknown but the X-Men apparently have forgotten all about her…odd.  
Logan followed some bare footprints up the hill and saw they stopped abruptly  
"Dude, your brother has no toes…" Logan said to Scott, inspecting the prints carefully (I really did notice how the footprints had no toes in the cartoon when watching it.)  
"Darn…it's… MAGNETO!" Logan said in a booming voice.  
"...Er, why'd you just do that?" Scott asked.  
"Dude, with a name like 'Magneto', you have to make it sound cool." Logan snickered.  
"Anyway…who's Magneto?" Scott asked. Logan did the right thing and ignored him. Scott sighed. "LOGAN!" Scott yelled. "WHO'S MAGNETO!"  
Logan kept cool. "You're about to find out, later in this episode." Logan said.  
Inside the X-Jet, Xavier was rubbing his bald head, which was something he did a lot.  
-Yo, Magneto- He called out telepathically. –Do you think my eyebrows are too big?…Oh yeah, and show yourself, and all that stuff…- Suddenly, the X-Jet started dancing.  
"And why, exactly, am I making the X-Jet dance, exactly?" Magneto asked MystiqueFan.  
Because I'm making you. So there. –Sticks tongue out at Magneto-  
So, back to the X-Jet. It was shaking so violently, that Xavier banged his head on the steering wheel.  
"OW!" He yelled. "MAGNUS, YOU IDIOT MAKE IT MORE GENTLE!" he screamed. The X-Jet suddenly began to shakily take off.  
Logan noticed this, and didn't really care as long as he found Alex, until he realized something. His entire case of beer was inside the Jet's fridge.  
"NOOOOO! IT'S HIM! HE'S STEALING MY BUD!(1)" Logan roared, and instantly ran off after it, using his claws to attach himself to the jet's back. It flew off until Scott couldn't see it anymore.  
"YEAH, THANKS FOR DITCHING ME IN HAWAII!" He shouted after them. Suddenly a shadow fell over him. "Stupid, you're blocking my sunli-" Scott began, turning around, but he saw who it was.  
"Scott?" Alex asked. Scott stared at him blankly for a second.  
"Who are you? And why do you look familiar?" Scott asked.  
He's your BROTHER, you dimwit.  
"Oh. That would explain it. ALEX!" He yelled out, tears streaming down his face. Suddenly, very emotional music starts up in the background as the boys run in slow-motion toward each other, the beach suddenly becoming a grassy, flowery meadow. Then, their fantasy ended as they both ran into each other.  
"Hey, you sure grew up!" Scott said as he rubbed his forehead where they'd collided.  
"Totally1 I mean, dude, it's surfing you know. You do get strong doing that." Alex said. He tried to punch Scott in the arm, but missed and fell into the sand.  
"Hehehe. You fell down." Scott giggled as he helped him up. Yup, this day was just one, big, Hallmark moment.

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(1)- Budweiser, the King of Beers.

Give me some suggestions on how to smite Kurt and Logan in the next two chapters! I want to include my reviewers!

There's chapter 2 done! Not so much random talking back to the author craziness today, because I've been having a homework overdose and am tired. Deal with it, ok? Please read and review!


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